Better late than never? New year's musings (Sankranthi musings?)
Sometimes, when I’m feeling more cynical, I feel like I tempted fate last year at new years, saying “We can do hard things” (the brilliant podcast by Glennon Doyle) because last year was hard. Really, really, really hard.
But, honestly, it was a helpful mantra to get me through the darkest hours - we CAN do hard things, WE can do hard things.
I had someone at work tell me, at one point, “those are some strong shoulders you’ve got there” and that helped, too, immensely.
I would also repeat to myself another phrase I heard on a different podcast - “Just another night on the side of Mt. Everest.” It’s okay if it was really difficult and I was NOT having fun - it didn’t meant I was doing something wrong, just that it was a difficult journey.
I struggled to think of a simple way to set an intention for this year. There are so many things I have to do, so many things I want to do, so much I feel like I’m falling behind on. But then, as I was speaking with a dear friend, I realized, sometimes, we have to give the roots time to grow deep and it might not be outwardly obvious that things are happening but they are.
So… I’m trying to give myself that grace, even if I’m not able to commit to a posting schedule, even if my big accomplishment for the day is folding the laundry. Even if that looks like me setting up my bommala koluvu at the 11th hour for Sankranthi and it’s easier to berate myself rather than give myself grace.
I’m also trying to favor consistent small actions over large actions done in fits and spurts, which is a very difficult shift for me. So, I might not be posting here regularly, but I’m writing nearly daily. I might not be DOING all the dance things I want to be, but I’m dancing and staying engaged and giving my brain time to process and decompress and continue to find a new normal, continue to let my roots grow deeper.
The last three years really felt like a forest fire - I felt things being uprooted or burned to ash in so many spheres of my life, but I also felt a sense of weird calm, like this was all part of the cycle and that even if I couldn’t see beyond the sweltering heat and flames and smoke, it was there. Now, it feels like that quiet time when the smoldering coals remaining are starting to cool and harden, and, miraculously, there are tiny signs of green sprouting.
I have big things I want to do in terms of my dance career, choreographies, writing, the podcast, and so much more, BUT, I’m going to find satisfaction in small milestones and not spiral into whether I’m doing enough. Sometimes, it takes a long time for roots to develop before the plant outwardly shows the fruits of progress.
So, here’s what I’m looking forward to this year
Jigsaw puzzles and kitchen dances and car serenades with my munchkins
Evening tea with my sweetheart - something I should’ve prioritized years and years ago
Board game nights and lunches and phone calls with my chosen family
ICAPS programming!
Teaching and learning and practicing
Writing, whether it’s good, whether it’s ready for public consumption, whether it’s “valuable”
Thank you Mallika Aunty for giving me the nudge to get this done <3
