Marking the passage of another year
At the beginning of last year, I wrote this:
So, I’m going to dance. I’m going to dance daily. I’m going to be kind to myself as I dance, instead of tearing myself down with harsh self-criticism. But I will not let up, and if it’s a choice between writing and dancing, I’m choosing dancing.
I’ve been recording myself practice over the last few weeks, and it’s a daily exercise not to plunge into depression, demotivation, and self-criticism, since I’m reckoning with the fact that I now have a very weak core, and between two pregnancies and accompanying sciatica, one of my legs is noticeably weaker and harder to control than before. But my body did an incredible thing then, and of course, it will have some signs of what it has been through, and that means I need to be kind to it, not dismissive.
Besides, dance is important to me. Therefore I will do what I have to do.
As I’ve very openly discussed in my writing here, I’ve had a life-long identity crisis about my relationship with dance and whether I have earned the title “dancer”. This was the year I decided that I would lean into it, own it, say it again and again - to myself and to others - and more importantly, live it.
When I was offered dance-related opportunities, I said yes. I gave it my best shot. And then, I did my best not to spiral into self-doubt and keep my eyes forward on the next project. And I am so grateful for the opportunities that came my way this year - joining IDEA’s board, speaking at Prakriti Dance’s Kuchipudi festival, presenting my research at IDEA’s biennial festival and at Andhra University, performing for the Siddhendra Aradhana, Richmond Dance Festival, Cleveland Aradhana, VAADA, my beloved alma mater W&M and SilconAndhra’s Sampada Sabha.
There have been other journeys this year - lives I can’t believe I got to live. We completed the audio recordings for a collection of Amma’s choreographies (some of which were presented in these performances). I - with my dear friend and co-host Kiran Rajagopalan - started an entire podcast to delve into Indian dance and discovered a host of kindred spirits. I turned my home studio space into a vision, with nearly everything I’d dreamed up when I moved into our home five years ago (hello, recessed lights - one day, I shall have you).
And most importantly - I practiced. Maybe not every day as I’d planned, but many many hours in early mornings and late nights, weekdays and vacation days. It’s been difficult to be patient with my changing body and trusting of my fickle mind while I dance, but I’m dancing.
It’s a bit unbelievable for me as I list all of these things out. Even a year ago, I would have found that unimaginable, and I am so grateful for those of you who have encouraged me, supported me, spurred me on, and helped me grow. I feel so blessed for the camaraderie I have found, especially this past year (you know who you are!)
The crazy thing is, this was all just part of my dance life. There are more countless milestones - both positive and negative - this past year that came out of my “day job,” my time with my family and loved ones, and my own mental health that have served as catalysts for growth and reflection. I’m just grateful for the community that has enveloped me and made it safe for me to stumble and get back up, celebrate the positive, and work through the negatives.
My (dance) plans for next year are to dance some more, to present Amma’s works (and maybe a few of mine) every opportunity I can, to keep talking to the people who inspire me, to keep listening and reading and absorbing. Also, to be kinder, less critical, more forgiving as an artist and a human being.
There’s a quote (okay, a screenshot of a tweet) I came across this year that I’ve been carrying with me for weeks.
“I always love it when people say ‘baby steps!’ to imply they’re being tentative, when actually baby steps are a great unbalanced, wholehearted, enthusiastic lurch into the unknown.”
2020 and 2021 have most definitely been unbalanced, wholehearted enthusiastic lurches into the unknown, and 2022 is shaping up to be the same way for me. I invite you to join me in taking your own baby steps so that collectively, we can remake the world as we need it to be, one brick at a time.
